{day 6...a moment you wish to relive}

I have seen several bloggers skip this day, not me! I don't feel like taking a glimpse into your past in any way hinders your future, I am not one to forget about my past because it has shaped me into who I am and what I have TODAY good bad or ugly it's my life and I am not going to let myself forget it....

This one already has me in tears. I have wanted to relive this moment since the moment it happened....Saying Goodbye to my beloved Gransie {my grandpa~ we all called him Gransie} What can I say about him...too much for this blog that's for sure. He was the biggest presence in my life by far besides my parents. We visited often created sweet memories and just adored him. Soon my Nana became ill and it was hard for him to take care of her on his own,before I knew it my parents were converting our garage into an apartment for my Nana and Gransie, and they lived with us...He was always harder on me then everyone else, he felt like I could get my mom to do anything and maybe it was true. Some days I didn't like him so much {he got in the way of my princess like attitude} I am now getting it 10  fold from my daughter and I know he his laughing it up in heaven!!!
Soon our relationship changed...my Nana became so ill we were forced to place her in a nursing home, my grandfather moved out and eventually divorced her. He then Married someone else and from then on our family was never the same. No more visits, no more memories no more Gransie in our lives. I was hurt and angry...how could he divorce my Nana giving her no choice knowing she was so against divorce? How could he walk away from the very grand kids he helped to raise. How could he say we no longer needed him....maybe that was true I didn't need him I WANTED him. Distance turned in to miles as he moved away and my Gransie soon became a stranger. I remember feeling my heart breaking with every decision he made that did not include his family...I felt abandoned, how could he stop loving me???
I too moved on and was now planning a wedding. I remember reading an e-mail from him after he received my wedding invitation. He was so excited to see all of us, he was going to meet his first great grandson Collin. My first thought was, I will finally get to tell him how I felt for so long, I will finally get to mend this broken heart and create a new relationship with the man I loved so much!
July 18th 2002...I will NEVER forget it. My dad called me I was living in Oregon at the time " Jen your Gransie has passed away" WHAT NO!!!!! I fell to the floor....no,no,no please God please. I couldn't speak I couldn't move. HE WAS GONE! My wedding was on Aug. 31st he never made it. He was heading out to play golf and drop dead of a heart attack. They found MY wedding invitation on his desk.
I didn't get a chance to tell him how I felt, He didn't get to meet his first great Grandson, he never saw me walk down the isle. The empty seat at my wedding was not filled with his smile instead sat a white rose in his memory....he was gone! The day after my wedding I got up put on my dress and went to my grandfathers funeral. My wedding flowers were now the flowers that dressed up this miserable day. 21 gun salute...taps....and final words.He was gone!
I wish I had that moment the one where I could say...I Love you, I forgive you and I want you in my life. I wish I could have heard him say "I'm proud of you Jen" I wish he wasn't gone.
I have yet to visit his grave.....I'm just not ready!!!!!
I miss him so much!!! In his honor I have named my son Luke {Kendall} after him, everyday I am left with a little reminder of the man who I never had the chance to say goodbye to... He would have LOVED these kids!!!

<3 Jen